Thursday, December 24, 2009


Well, here he was on Christmas Eve! Marvin Marley was walking through a small town in Central Ontario, Canada, which shall remain nameless. All I can say that it was just outside the Greater Toronto Area(which I have never visited myself).
"Merry Christmas, sir," said someone who passed him by.
"Bah! Humbug!" Marvin shouted.
"You don't mean that, do you?" the man said.
"You better believe it, jerk!" Marvin snarled as he walked away. He came across a Salvation Army bell ringer who asked him, "Will you help us out?"
"No!" Marvin shouted. And he walked down the street towards a group of singers performing "Deck The Halls!"
"Shut up!" Marvin screamed. "And stop that wretched singing!"
Suddenly, one of the ladies in the choir kicked him right in the groin. The force of the kick caused him to collapse. Just then, 2 RCMP officers picked him up.
"Okay, buddy!" the first one said. "Let's go! You're coming with us!"

Marvin was back inside a jail(this time in the aforementioned town) when the second cop came and greeted him, "Merry Christmas, Mr. Marley!"
"Bah! Humbug!"
"Bah humbug yourself!" the officer said, slapping him in the face. "Well, I heard about what you did to one of your clerks and his family."
"He was stealing money from my coffers at the office," Marvin shouted stubbornly.
"That's no excuse!"
"How'd you guys find out about me?"
"You were on that plane that crashed, weren't you?" the Mountie said.
"Yes," Marvin admitted. "I was."
"Well," the Mountie said, "you're the only survivor..."
"I don't want to hear no more caca!"
"You are caca! And I hope your bag's packed, because you're going back to Boston on the next plane!"

2 hours later, Marley was on a private plane rented by the Canadian government and headed on his way to Boston. When he arrived at Logan Airport on Christmas morning at 3 a.m., he was met by a group of people who pelted him with everything from tomatoes to rocks. He suffered injury in the melee and had to be rushed to the hospital.

Meanwhile, at a house on Boston's beautiful North Shore(which can't hold a candle to the South Shore, since we've got the best towns and attractions)...

"I'm not going to represent my Uncle at this trial!" Fred Marley, his nephew, said to his wife Kumi, who was dressed in a black tutu preparing for her performance in "Swan Lake" that evening at Harvard University.
"He is your Uncle, Fred," Kumi reminded him. "After all..."
"I know," Fred shrugged. "But still what he did to Crachit's family was inexcusable."
"Still," Kumi said, "you can find something to defend him on."
Fred thought about this, then said, "You're right. He was delusioned over what his clerk did-or didn't do-that Christmas. And of course, there's his father's beating him when he was young."
"The same man that assaulted me when I was in High School back home in Japan," Kumi reminded him. "He was on a business trip..."
"You're kidding!" Fred said.
"I've been afraid to tell you this, Fred," Kumi said gravely. "But here goes..."

"Mr. Marley," Officer Paul Kelly said to Fred as he arrived at the Charles Street Jail to talk with his uncle. "Your services won't be needed for your Uncle."
"What are you talking about?' Fred said.
"Marvin called his lawyer Mr. Johnny Fezziwig when he got in this morning."
"What? The son of Dave Fezziwig, the man Scrooge was apprenticed under?"
"Yes. He's talking to him right now."
Fred was so mad that he stormed out of the jail house. Later, when he told the news to his wife, Kumi said, "That Fezziwig is gonna take a fall!"
"What do you think we should do?"
"Nothing-for now. Let's let this game run its course before we do anything about it."

To be continued.....

Saturday, December 5, 2009


"Merry Christmas, Marvin," Janet Collins of the Los Angeles Public Defender's Office said to Marvin Marley as he sat in his holding cell at the County Jail in Anaheim, California on the day before Christmas.
"Bah, humbug!" Marvin shouted.
"Bah humbug your ass!" Janet said. "I just want to tell you that your extradition hearing back to Boston is set for tomorrow, Christmas Day, at 8 a.m."
"Oh, it is, is it?" Marvin sneered.
"You're wanted for the murder of your clerk," Janet said.
"Well," Marvin said, "there's a good reason. My clerk stole $5,000 from me behind my back last Christmas. I found..."
"You're not sure, are you?"
"Of course I am! When I let Crachit go early that day, I noticed that there was 5 grand missing from my collection!"
"That's not the story you're circulating," Janet reminded him. "You're in trouble because you fired him after he screwed up a Fedex Delivery, which wasn't his fault."
"What are you talking about?"
"You fired him 2 days before the day in question," Janet reminded. "The Fedex plane that carried the package for Poppagill crashed off Newfoundland. That's why he didn't get it."
"Oh," Marvin felt. "Well, just after I fired him, he stole $5,000 from my treasury. I wanted to get it back from him..."
"Don't lie to me, Marvin!" Janet said. "You're facing capital murder charges back in the Bay State, and if you're found guilty, you could face the death penalty..."
"Shut the fuck up!" Marley screamed. As he said this, he rushed Janet, sending her sprawling onto the floor. As she lost consciousness, Marvin threw her out of the cell and sneaked out of the area before anyone could see him. Out the door he went and into the sunshine of a Southern Californian Christmas Eve afternoon.

Janet was discovered 10 minutes later on the ground by an LAPD officer.
"I can't move," she was saying. She'd wet herself and a thick stink was filling the seat of her pants. The officer wasted no time in calling an ambulance. Within seconds, the ambulance was speeding its way to take her to a hospital.

It was feared that Janet Collins had suffered a spinal cord injury, but within minutes of coming to the hospital, she started moving her arms and legs again. She would be laid up with a broken neck and a fractured back for weeks.
Meantime, Marvin Marley was walking through the Rodeo Drive section of Beverly Hills when several cops jumped out from nowhere.
"Police! Freeze!"
Marley took off, but he didn't get far. He ran into a group of Catholic School girls and sent them sprawling to the pavement. One of the cops helped the girls up while the others ran after Marley. He tripped over a banana peel that someone had thrown out on the sidewalk and nearly got hit by a car.
Within seconds, Marley was handcuffed and brought back to the County Jail. Hearing of the news, the judge who was to preside over the hearing on the morrow waived the need for such a spectacle and ordered Marley put on the first flight to Boston.

Later that evening, Marley was taken aboard a private airliner that left LAX bound for Boston.

It never got there; the plane ran out of fuel and crashed in the middle of Lake Huron. The whole plane and its crew were lost, but Marley was able to pick the locks off of his chains and swam all the way into the shore of a town in Central Ontario.
He'd beat the system again....or did he?

To be continued....